I've Been Thinking..

I'm not the person I wish I was. Sometimes I feel so happy and content and feel as I'd everything is going great. Other times -such as now- I feel discontent. Like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. When I think about what I really want or what I feel 'homesick' for, I can't come up with an answer. That leaves me even more bewildered, confused and discontent.

Of course there are always those days when I feel good. My journal will have lyrics like this written in it,

"Today the sun is shinin' on me
Sitting with my feet in the breeze
Ain't sweating the little things
And who knows what tomorrow is gonna bring
But today, the sun, shinin' on me"

But other days it contains,

"I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed"

Sometimes I'll have both of those entries in one day. Even, half hour apart.

What am I looking for? I don't know, all I know is where I'm looking it probably isn't where it's at. I am truly trying to focus on what I am thankful for, not what I wish was different. I am truly trying to focus on what I like about myself, instead of comparing myself to others who "have it all". We're all unique, I need to remember that more often. Just because words, music or sports aren't my strong points in life doesn't mean I'm not special. I have gifts and talents no matter how hidden they might be.

I'm also focusing on the one word, simple. I like simplicity, I crave it. But it's not simple to simply create simplicity. I want to declutter everything! My personal spaces, my style, my mental life, my emotional life, my schedule.. More on that topic later.

There are so many thoughts swirling in my head at the moment. Sorry for the rambling ha!

Much love.

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